Lilah Morgan

not_a_lie @ 2006-05-02T10:39:00

2006-05-02T14:53:11Z

Anyone want to get me out of this hole? I don't need to be here, despite what Anya says. I don't know what I need, but not this.

//Locked//

Really really scared and confused. And despite what Anya says I don't think it's okay to ask for help from friends. Especially when all you do is end up being a burden and cause of stress on said friends. Or ex-relationship people who are now sleeping with friends. Wesley was right when he said this was too much like a damn soap opera. Anya seems to be getting coffee at the moment, so I think I'll be crying now.

//unlocked//

And Anya has a tendency to over-exaggerate. So if she says I'm dying, or burned, or saying a steady stream of expletives to the doctors, she would of course be lying. And I don't need to talk to anyone either. What I need is something to take the edge off. And a larger social circle.

not_a_lie @ 2006-04-13T10:21:00

2006-04-13T14:25:42Z

//Private//
It occurred to me maybe things aren't so bad. Mystery pregnancy and captivity aside. Maybe this is some misguided attempt of Anya's. Except I can't reach her. Which sort of makes sense. Okay so either way it's bad.

//end private post//

Anya?

Lindsey you don't by any chance have some free time on your hands do you? Never mind....

not_a_lie @ 2006-04-12T14:05:00

2006-04-12T18:09:27Z

//Private Entry//

The last few days have been scary. Really scary. Nightmares, very not normal pregnancy symptoms.Finding out I may have lost a kid. So then I get here and it's not much better. At least I'm not a giant burden on Lindsey. Which is good. And everyone here was really nice. So I just went with it.

Then things got really weird. I've dealt with men being very possessive. Men wanting sex...all that I'm used to. But being really obsessive about my children. You know in the sense of not screaming to the world that their not theirs or that I'm a giant slut ...that's weird. Somehow we were just talking and then I mentioned, you know, the losing one thing. Which is sad. But not usually something a perfect stranger starts screaming at a woman for. Things went downhill from there, and I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for these nifty new found skills that seem to happen when I'm sad, scared, or angry I'd be in a whole world of trouble.

My life in captivity aside...These children aren't normal. This I get. We think one's a slayer. And maybe it's just a fluke but pre-pregnancy I didn't set things on fire when I got upset. And these nightmares... (Not to mention my char-broiled hand)

I should probably try to figure out what the hell's going on. And I would if I could get out of here. Or stand for more than 2 minutes. Either Wesley's mistaken or someone is lying about not having something to do with this. Children don't just spontaneously happen. At least not like this.

Haven't heard from Anya or Lindsey either. Not sure whether this is good or bad.

//Private Entry//

not_a_lie @ 2006-04-07T13:57:00

2006-04-07T18:04:24Z

First point first. Um, Anya before your phone started breaking up I believe I conveyed this rather clearly, but if not please refrain from telling people I ran away. If in fact I had, it would've really been counterproductive to notify everyone.

//Locked to Lindsey//

I'm alive obviously. And I didn't run away. It's a long and complicate story which can be broken down into general ideas. First Anya left, I dozed off again, had a bad dream, woke up rather unpleasantly, packed my stuff in case, decided to have a cab drop me off to get some air. Then realized I should probably go to the hospital. Had the cab drive up the coast, used a fake name, needed more air after that, ran into who I'm assuming is an old client and am for the time being somewhat fine. Once I figured out how to convey free range omelet to the staff in their native tongue everything was just... swell.

And I have no idea what Anya did or said, she rambles worse than I do. I have the strange feeling she's been under a bit of pressure as of late. Mostly because the recaps of childhood traumas and recent affronts have gotten more 'vivid' to say the least. There was a chart showing my social circle in which the stick figure with cowboy boots stabbed the pregnant stick figure in the back, causing her to do what I'm assuming was die and have 3 questionably demonic spawn fly out of her stomach...that and the charming tale of how in some ancient societies they put their sick and burdensome on an ice flow and send them out to sea to die. Also any clue what she said to Wes, or vice verse? She said he made her cry. Him and D'Hoffryn actually. But I'm less clear on how Wes was able to do so. *nods*

So I have a favor to ask. First Sushi's not actually dead right? You checked? Okay that wasn't so much the favor. As a please don't let my fish be dead pre-emptive...thing Since you're my last friend and everything, was wondering if you could make sure my children get placed in good homes. Even if I don't die. Because let's face it. Not really that good at looking out for people or one for maternal instinct anyway. It shouldn't be too hard because I think there's only two now. And two's easier...than three, right. Thought so. Now that we have that settled...help me pick a country? To live; until they're born. I'd do it myself but I'm drawing a blank...Besides, I still have to figure a polite way to leave this place.

Your BFF,

Li

P.S. Sorry if I made you worry. Things were just...you know. Love you Linds. Don't go doing anything stupid.

//unlocked//

Missing Person

2006-04-01T21:47:52Z

This is Anya. Luckily, I've seen her log in enough times I've figured out Lilah's password. She's still apparently missing. Which is not my fault. I will however accept full responsiblity for accidental damage to certain musical instruments.

Anyway I've pretty much covered all the bases. Everyone who knows her plus the police, so I'm doubting this'll help. But if you've seen Lilah Morgan, please um, well reply here.

She's about...wheelchair height. Brown? hair. Recently had her nails done. Mean. Scares small children, and is slightly pregnant. Was last seen muttering about dead fish and what last name her children would have if she died. She probably won't still be doing that, but it's possible.

Probably won't help with visual id, but there's a traumatic childhood story very, and um a possibly botched re-animation that come into play.

I don't have any photos...well, I think this I saw one of her dad. But he's dead and not so much missing. And I found an icon. Please refer to that.

Oh yeah, she was sort of pale last time we spoke.

Yup.

Oh and she's taking medication. Lots of it. Nothing good...

Now if everyone will excuse me I have a meeting. With *yay* lectures. And a critical analysis of my work. Because apparently not only did I manage to let someone slip completely off my radar I'm overly sensitive to the needs of others. And for the record if a sort of demony looking guy happens to let certian personal details of a certain british guy's personal life slip, I didn't tell him. He just knows these things.

not_a_lie @ 2006-03-25T20:58:00

2006-03-26T02:11:53Z

Baby (or babies) are moving. Probably should've let the doctors known when that started happening. The thing is they're really big on bed rest and also, I see no need to sit there hooked up to machines discussing possible death, leg elevation, and pelvic exercises. I may not have much of a life but I do have some pride. Besides while I'm really happy the children are healthy or whatever, the fact that I'm showing now, less than fun. So in closing fascinating new world of pregnancy, sucks. *nods*

And I'm hungry. And Lindsey isn't here. I'm ordering delivery, so hopefully Angelus isn't doing door to door drop bys of firm employees; cause bottom line, if someone knocks, and may have food, I'm inviting them in. *nods again*

Side note: Sushi's swimming funny...and you know, do you think we should have changed his water?

For anyone who feels so inclined taking name suggestions for children. Sort of already chose one, and not sure I have a choice on another, but feel free to toss whatever you like out there for #3.

Edit: Watching Wizard of Oz. (or I was until I decided the music was really much better without the distraction of a a scarecrow, a tin man, and a very poorly dressed woman parading around as a child.) They say children respond to sound in the womb. This might sound funny but I think it's entirely possible my children like Pink Floyd.

We're doing quizzes again?

2006-03-09T15:02:39Z

Your Personality Profile

You are pure, moral, and adaptable.
You tend to blend into your surroundings.
Shy on the outside, you're outspoken to your friends.

You believe that you live a virtuous life...
And you tend to judge others with a harsh eye.
As a result, people tend to crave your approval.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

And my second choice

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.

For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

And Angel, how many months until...*shakes head*

Your Haloween Costume Should Be

A Martini

What Should You Be For Halloween?

If you're interested the stupid quiz also said I was a vampire; apparently evil attorney doesn't register.

//Locked to Lindsey//

Need to talk. Also feed the fish, he's swimming funny. Or maybe the rooms just spinning again.

//unlock//

Bad Lindsey. Good Medicine. Want sleep. Why am I pregnant?

2006-03-08T00:36:54Z

Note to self: Macaroni and Cheese makes me very sick. Okay, so there may be possible other reasons. Lindsey's going to buy me a goldfish.This could possibly denote, that he plans to be gone doing...things, and feels guilty. ~~As he should.~~ Although he only gives it a week to live, so I'm not sure what that says about me.

On a tangent Linds; you never answered whether or not I could put a pony on your credit card. Nevermind. Not like you'd check anyway. Besides I know you wouldn't want my orphaned children to be deprived...

//Locked to Anya//

Like I was saying before Lindsey so rudely came into his bedroom and threw a hissy fit about melted ice cream... I don't want anyone dead, or maimed. Just to be clear. If you happen to come upon why I'm pregnant, please pass it along though. And thanks for the medicine.

And again no. I don't understand why someone would stand you up on your wedding day.

//Unlock//

Edit: The room is spinning pretty.

not_a_lie @ 2006-02-23T13:12:00

2006-02-23T18:17:09Z

//Locked to Linds//

Dear Lindsey,

I needed to get out for a while and on the off chance I don't make it back, or I just plain don't feel like sharing again, I'm leaving you a journal entry. (I remembered your tendency to lose paperwork.)

Thank you very much for being my friend. And back when they didn't kill me cause you left that was nice too.

-I probably am going to die. It's a long story, and since everyone else thinks I'm lying can it just stay between us?
-I'm scared. Again, don't spread it around.
-I'm really this time very nearly out of that medicine. Hopefully though, I can get more.
-We know what they are, but I don't know why they are and that scares the hell out of me.
-If you could, please find Savannah. Pretty sure you're right. At least the hospital says you are. I have a letter for her. It's with Anya. Xander's ex. I have a copy too, but knowing how much luck you've been having so far, I'd say go with Anya.
-I was going to leave you my kids. But, truth is I don't want them around you because, well I'm petty. Remember when we were a team? We aren't anymore. You're one of them. I tried to be and got it thrown in my face. I don't want them knowing anyone in LA. In fact, I'd like to the city burn. Honestly, I wish I would've stayed dead. Hell was nicer.

Could you do something for me though? And this goes back to the only one who's allowed to kill us each other deal. Next time one of them says something about me or these kids, mostly these kids. Remember, joking aside, I wouldn't have stood for anyone saying things about you. So just act like a real friend for once, and say something. Tell them to go to hell.

P.S. Hopefully you won't lose it, I left you the only copy of my doppler tape thing. I figured Wes seemed less than enthused, and given the fact he apologized when in the excitement I told him I loved him, he probably didn't really want to hear it. (It's normal to get excited and tell the people you care about you love them when you get the only good news you've heard in months, right?) ~~Yay. Everyone was right. I do only have one friend.~~ Personally still not a huge fan of this pregnancy thing, but it was kind of exciting. I know, stupid... Anyway given you were the only one who seemed to care thought I'd leave it with you. Plus I said I would and contrary to popular opinion I don't enjoy lying to people. Certainly wouldn't do it over a stupid tape.

Ok, damn allergies...

I was gonna say something nice in case I don't see you again. But apparently I'm incapable. Sorry about all those times I was a real bitch to you. You know I didn't really mean anything by it, right? Well, okay a few times I did. But you really deserved it. God, what's the world coming to? I shouldn't have to apologize to you. It was my job to hate you, and frankly I'm proud of the things I accomplished back when we were pitted against each other. I did a damn fine job. Even you said so. Well, actually you called me underhanded and sneaky, but again we're evil lawyers. When did that become a crime in this town?

The point was I felt sort of bad about that. Because while I feel perfectly fine with everyone else getting what they deserve, ulterior motives or not, you've been pretty nice to me lately.

I'm really sorry we never really got to sit down and help you work out everything that happened with Tara. I told you before, but I liked her. She seemed to hate me less than most people, and she was 'nice'. I've never actually been nice, at least not since I can remember, but I then again people who are genuinely nice are pretty rare. Savannah was nice, to me anyway.If that counts for anything.

Last but not least you're a pretty good lawyer. Even if you did pick up my bad taste in men.

Anyway, this heartfelt garbage has got to go. Especially since I'm not actually leaving yet. Just had a date. More or less. Doctor, nice restaurant, off the clock. Write out the hospice, private nurse talk, and the part where he tried to convince me to kill two of the children, and it was really nice. No he's not some deranged lunatic, it's just 3, kind of increases chances of me, dying, again.

I hate being pregnant. Every time it gets worse. Sorry for the melodrama. Been a rough, well forever. And you should see me again soon assuming I find one of those wheelchair cab things. No offense but for someone who's supposed to be watching me you kind of suck at it. You better have gotten your stupid date by now...Look, I managed to get rid of the heartfelt stuff.*smile*

//unlock//

Text Message to Linds and Wes:

2006-02-18T19:11:17Z

1. I could probably just tell you this (Well, Lindsey Anyway), but I think the nurses would look at me strangely. My children don't have tails! Or claws that were able to be discerned.

2. They have heartbeats. Which is really, really good. And they're gonna give me a tape so you can listen to the heartbeats. (Anyone who feels the need to ask why; don't. You're all listening to my kid's heartbeats and going to be very excited or I will inflict pain.)

3.They weren't sure but they think they heard three. And then they sort of saw... That's more than two. Which means I'll get bigger sooner. But that's also more than two.*nods* That's three. Lindsey, that's three. More than two. I'm still smiling right? I'm still smiling. That's three.

So in summary. Three. Human. With heartbeats. Yay.

Except okay, children scare me. And I think maybe this is really going to hurt. The firm can get them out without labor right? If they can re-attach my head that's doable...Am I still smiling? I think I stopped smiling. Wes got his kids without it hurting. I think. I'd like mine that way too.

Oh yeah, did we find Savannah yet?

I 'm feeling very light headed.

Okay, just to be sure, they couldn't be like replicating, could they? Cause that would be bad.Never mind. Human, We're sticking with human.

not_a_lie @ 2006-02-16T19:12:00

2006-02-17T00:16:02Z

//Locked to Wes as he's the only person I'm speaking to I don't want to strangle at the moment//

Dear Wes,

Lindsey has informed, via the internet I might add, that Savannah may be my daughter and that she's missing. And that if he'd just leave them alone the powers would save my kids, one of which he wants to name Sparky. I'm not saying anything except I don't think this powder's working, and Lindsey obviously has some sort of fur bearing animal in his house because my allergies are really bad. And the doctors' said I was past the emotional stage. Apparently they didn't account for my circumstances.

By the way, in case you were wondering Lindsey has an STD. Poor thing. That's really why Tara left him. *nods* Just in case Angel or Cordelia or anyone you might know was thinking of getting involved with him. That would be a very bad idea. Okay, so I don't know that for a fact, but it's highly probable.In fact it could be something he caught from Darla. Syphilis? It would explain his telling me my daughter was Savannah and that my unborn children were puppies...

Anyway, no one told me Savannah was missing. Obviously I would've been looking for her had someone told me she was missing. She's a really sweet kid, and she snuck over Christmas Eve to keep me company when no one else would. So, it would mean a lot to me if we could determine her whereabouts.And I could use a ride back to the hospital; assuming these are human. Also some of that sense you have; please share. Sense is good. I like sense.

//Unlocked//

not_a_lie @ 2006-02-15T13:51:00

2006-02-15T19:40:03Z

Hey Lindsey,

After scouring Wolfram and Hart's accessible files, I determined, well, that I'm not as good at hacking as I am at plain old breaking and entering. So. I decided internet quizzes might hold the answers I'm looking for.(Or you could just tell me.) Among things that may prove useful; one said if I got pregnant it would be by Angel. Thoughts/Comments? And the other was determine what I was giving birth to; you don't think they could be dogs do you? I should probably stop relying on internet quizzes for answers, huh?

It would seem I get to be Lindsey's ~~beard~~ uh, bride and vampires attend my wedding. Fun.

Just for the record I wouldn't marry you for 46,000. Up the price and maybe. (Not like I can get rid of you anyway.)

That was pretty much unhelpful, except the thing about Faith.

And that was just peachy. But probably accurate.

Okay, so obviously I need real answers.

Sidenote: Linds you're two hours behind on my medicine. And I managed to get another day out of the hospital; don't ask. So you'll be needing to run to the pharmacy.

//Locked to Linds//

So, seeing as Valentines Day was a total bust, to lighten the mood what do you say we get out Ben & Jerry's and talk about Wes. Also you should get drunk, cause I have this theory that if I get you drunk enough you'll tell me anything...I wish I could get drunk.

//Unlock//

Re-posting my 3rd Reply? (not_a_lie, no subject) down because accidentally deleted it.

You confuse me. We're even.

Did not. (If they're demon spawn they won't be getting born, and if not I'm seriously doubting letting you near them.)

//Idiot Only//

Fine whatever. I'm painfully aware of the fact I love Wesley. He on the other hand has a somewhat obvious distaste for me. Sore subject. I'd advise against dwelling on it. Linds, already gonna bitch slap you. You might not want to up the ante by telling the woman with incredibly jealous tendencies that you're screwing the man she's in love with. 'Kay?

Well, you did start in the mail room. What did I expect? (You're hiding something. And please stop pointing out you're the only thing I've got. Not winning brownie points. I'm getting whatever the hell I want. And your best sucks. Seriously. And don't think I hadn't noticed you omitted that 'the little girl you love is missing' thing when you were suckering me into a gratitude kiss. I have plenty of suggestions, thank you. Now figure out something good to say before I black out again.)

//Unlock//

Therapy is fun. And distracting

2006-01-28T21:54:25Z

Wasn't going to do this. But Lindsey's on his cell phone ignoring me, like I'm 4 or something and I'm not sure how long I'll feel good enough to get on the computer.

Worst lie ever? I'm not sure I feel like going back through my whole life. But the past few years. Probably when I set Wes up. With the brain suckage of the green guy. Low point. I have an excuse there. I didn't think he'd trust me. And honestly I kind of thought he was smarter than that. But still coming back from a hard night's work to find your - person you're sleeping with at your door pretty much telling you what a horrible human being you are and how they could never trust you again. Kind of a downer. I mean yes, work does come first. But when a lie takes you from one of the happiest moments in your life to just standing there, fuming. Not a good thing.

Also apparently my not telling Wes about the first time I was pregnant with his kid. Which he pretty much called my a baby murderer for. That is until he started adamantly denying he could father children.

Poorly executed?

Not a lie per say. Of course neither in the other two. But in theory a perfectly good ruse. And probably the only time ever Lindsey managed to outplay me. Only time.He's not really as sharp as people give him credit for. He just goes around with a big grin on his face and people think his wheels are turning. Not so much.

Anyway back to me. That whole wire tap deal that went completely bust. I have a three fold explanation for that. One I was panicked. Panic breeds poorly thought out plans. Speaking of which Lindsey, I know you're up to something. Also Darla may have put a hitch in that. It's hard to seduce a guy who's already obsessed with someone. That and I really should have gone with a more sophisticated, better placed wire. I mean the chest? We all know Lindsey was just going for the bra. Sloppy work on my part. Oh that and my forth fold theory.Which centers around Lindsey being gay...Personally I think that deserves more thorough examination. You should really ask him, doc. And the other guys that work here. Can we do video confessionals? I'll grab the popcorn. Cause we have more homo-eroticism floating around this place than...wow.

Anyway since were on the topic of lies and correspondingly secrets, and since this powders got me good for at least a few more hours... Anyone know who my blood donor was?

Also if I've somehow revealed secrets again, sorry. Kind of distracted at the moment.

Hey, you know that impossible thing we were sort of throwing around the other day. I could probably figure it out. They run a test. See if that's really true. They didn't use all the blood, so... Of course it still leaves a bunch of other questions. Which I'm thinking you might have answers to. But fine. Secrets.

Also this sounds beyond insane, but if it was my...you know. I just keep thinking about Wes. If this isn't the partners, even by magic, there'd still have to be a father. There's always a father, even if it's just a catalyst. It's how the powers work, right? Good or evil. Given the other facts in play that'd mean...they're his. So, right. That means... a lot of stuff actually. But also that somewhere we have a child running around in plain sight. Who we probably should find. And ask how my ten week barely fetus is old enough to donate blood.

This is insane, isn't it? I'm obviously losing my mind. But if I'm not, I feel like he should know too. Of course he wouldn't believe me anyway.

Look I'm losing my mind here. A week ago I didn't know what I was doing with my life; but at least it was a whole lot simpler. So if you know something; you know how you asked how this was your responsibility. Well, it is. Because you're my friend, type person.

Anyway this is me threatening your life and asking if it wouldn't be too much trouble to pick me up some ...I can't actually have anything good can I? If you know of a food that tastes like and has the same overall effect of a good single malt scotch that'd be nice. If not anything not from the cafeteria will do. Just remember who you're buying for. Don't be cheap.

~~Hugs and kisses,~~ Remember I know where you live,

Lilah

//Unlock//

not_a_lie @ 2006-01-16T19:10:00

2006-01-17T00:15:35Z

Thought for the last two days: Evita is more depressing than I remembered...

//Locked to Lindsey//

As much as I'd like to believe that my puppy dog just got hit by a truck, repeatedly, look is just your concern for my well being, I'm pretty sure it has more to do with a certain blonde, formerly fangy? If you need to talk, well... You pretty much know where I am. I may not actually listen but I'm pretty good at faking it. Besides your bringing down the mood. smile.

//Unlock//

//Locked to Wes//

Hi. Hope you're doing okay. And the girls. I'm surviving. Not sure about Lindsey. A few days ago they decided to do a blood transfusion. It's a red cell, pregnancy thing. A lot of hype. I'll probably be okay. No, that's a lie. I could be though. Besides Lindsey keeps yammering on about my not dying and loopholes. So for the sake of the short southern man...

I had all sorts of deep profound things to say, but those thoughts seem to be failing me. (Of course that's not really new when it comes to our conversations of late.) So I'll just say this. Miss you. I know we've never had the best relationship in the world, still. And you're still welcome to drop by. Just don't bring Angel. If security is really as tight as they say he could get skewered. He sort of fits the mock up Angelus, you know?

-Lilah

I know you're going through some stuff right now; just take care of yourself.

//Unlock//

not_a_lie @ 2006-01-13T15:09:00

2006-01-13T20:19:07Z

//Locked- Therapy//

What do I fear?

Bear with me. The real doctors say I'm needing a transfusion, so we'll just say blood flow to my brain is making this a little more, uh huh...than usual.

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Lilah Morgan who said I'm not afraid of anything. She repeated it over and over in an attempt to convince herself and the world it was true. She repeated it so much that when a man name Holland Manners offered her something that she didn't even want, but that gave her a distraction from the things she feared the most, she looked right past the fine print. After all, she wasn't afraid of anything. What could they possibly dole out that would be enough to do her in? No fear has sort of become the facade I lived by. It's how I justified my actions or lack thereof to Linwood and the others. It's how I let myself walk head held high into places I knew I shouldn't be.

But the reality is fear is real. Not just in the sense of Oh my god, I'm going to die, and what the hell is Lindsey's problem...Sorry doc...flashbacks. Fear is the driving force in this world. We let our lives be dictated by it. I know I have.

When I came back, really back; alive... I decided not to let my life be dictated by fear. At first I took baby steps; then I sort of jumped the shark.So maybe fear is a good thing. It keeps our id in check. Fear is our ego. And wow...that holds a plethora of deep meaningful truths. Ego is after all, in psychology what keeps us based in reality. What points out that we could hurt. What keeps us rational. So is fear. Take that away, you have nothing to lose. But also, fear is what allows us our fronts, makes us who we are. Yes, fear is what develops us into the people we are. Or want to project.

But you didn't want a definition, did you? You wanted answers.

Generally in life, my greatest fear has been losing myself. Taking my guard down, and losing everything I've worked for. Or, when I was younger, everything I wanted, everything I had.

I let go of that fear, if only just a little, when I met Wesley. When I came back I had a whole new one.

Forget being lost...What if I could never find myself?

Suddenly my job didn't seem that important. The thing that kept me going had lost meaning. And in the back of my mind I still could see my contract. The attempt to destroy it. If someone else cared so much about my soul, shouldn't I?

I was contemplating that when I was in Paris. I had thought I was embarking on the first step to finding an answer. After all, Lilah Morgan the evil ice bitch of Wolfram and Hart had lived and died. She had had her day. What about the person I had the potential to be?

Then I found out I was pregnant, only to several days later deal with the thought I had lost it. Talk about fears. I guess you could say I fear hurt. Allowing myself to be hurt, allowing myself to be left. But most of all I fear failing those who depend on me. It's not something I face very often. I mean really, who's ever relied on me?

At the moment all those fears combined equal the big ones I'm facing. I fear losing my children. I fear letting someone I care about get hurt on my account.

I suppose the root of it's a fairly simple sentiment. One that's kept me from forming relationships, friendships, any form of co-dependency my whole life. When you're alone, you can make any choice you want. But when someone loves you, you lose that right.

Exploring further, I 'm not even sure that's my main fear; back to the finding myself portion of this segment... A part of me was so sure that these children were how I could prove to myself- I can do something good. If I lose them, I've literally lost myself.

Of course now with what the doctors say I'll be losing all of us soon. And we know I'm not good. We also know that in the end I sold myself out, in a million different ways, only to get hurt, and be out cast. And alone. Again. I've lost myself, I sure as hell can't find myself, and one way or another it seems as if these children will die. Not that it matters anyway, since popular opinion is that they're demonic. I don't believe that but it really doesn't matter does it?

I gave away my fear only to inherit a new batch. If I was doing well I would've just gotten on that plane, the one I bought tickets for. I would've left, healthy. With or without the children. Probably with, because I don't have the heart to believe that the children I was so happy about were any thing other than Wes'. I would've left. I'm not stupid, I know I don't belong here anymore. My time has passed, and if I was given the chance I'm fairly certain would've tried to really find myself.

Right now though, that isn't going to happen. My fear? Yeah, that they'll die. Maybe it's better, cause I have this other fear. What if I died, and they didn't? Would anybody care? Wes doesn't want them. And I don't blame him. Actually I think he's starting to realize something I've suspected for quite some time. But that's an entirely different session of psycho-analysis, one that probably will never take place. And Lindsey, I'd leave them with him, but it's different. Besides, he's still saying I can't die. And if that's not enough I think he's starting to fall for someone... someone he shouldn't. Yeah that's vague, but I've already disclosed enough of his secrets for this week.

But again, that's all irrational cause they can't be born yet. And the fear I'm hearing now, really selfish I know, but it's there... When I die will anyone even know how much I wanted to be a part of it? The whole greater good, their lives, everything. I've tried harder than ever to keep from hurting people; to be good. But it didn't work. I've hurt and somehow managed to change Wesley's entire opinion of me. (Yeah, I know. Change the opinion of the one person who ever believed you worthwhile... I've tried telling myself that it's all out of context anyway. That this pregnancy is dictating my emotions, but it still doesn't change the facts.) And everyone else really doesn't care. Lindsey's here, but I have a strange suspicion it's more out of duty to Wes, who even if it's by proxy wants to the 'right' thing. I've confused everything, everyone so badly, and I can't fix it. So after days of semi lucid thought and much rambling I've decided my ultimate fear, perhaps isn't even for me. A part of me wants to go for that whole my being inconsequential thing. But that'd be another cop out. My real fear, isn't about me. Sure, it manifests that way. But the thing that won't let me sleep at night is in my fear of only hurting others.

The irony isn't lost. Because rather by direct or indirect means, it's what I do. I hurt and allow others to be hurt. People I care about.

//Unlocked//

not_a_lie @ 2006-01-12T20:56:00

2006-01-13T01:58:48Z

Note to self: The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Mainly those encompassing chatting up the locals

General Disclaimer: I am so sorry. To everyone.

A hospital room can seem really empty when no ones there. Meanwhile my red count is low and the very helpful doctors think I may need a transfusion. I'll be really honest I could care less if I die, again.

As I said I'm pretty sure I've alienated Lindsey, I've already alienated Wes. I've managed to alienate a perfectly innocent witch. (well, less than innocent...but still.) Generally everyone I know thinks I'm an overly dramatic bitch. I get that.

The strange woman claiming to be hospital staff stopped by. She's fairly nice even if she doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to cause Wes physical pain. Also she delivered flowers. Apparently she knows Xander. If I didn't know better I'd peg her for some sort of demon...but well, let's be honest. I can't afford to be picky at this point.

The point is I decided early on if only for the sake of proving to myself that I can do something, something to actually be proud of, I'm keeping my baby. Babies. And they can't be demonic. They just can't.

If it was just me, well I'd probably just tell Angelus to have at it. But that won't work. And somehow I doubt that I can die of natural causes and manage to save the children either.

There was a point when I thought I could make this, my life, right. Second chances and all... Now I'm not so sure.

//Unlocked//

Anyway Xander thank you for the flowers. The rest of you...I don't know. They're injecting me with something now. I probably should've asked what.

Don't get mad. Or even.

2006-01-12T23:39:05Z

//Locked to Lindsey//

You wouldn't hurt me, right? Well while you were asleep earlier and I was trying not to be bummed out about, well dying and demonic babies, and the fact Wesley doesn't love me, and that I really have lost all sense of self and everyone hates me...I was commenting in people's journals. Sharing woe. Seriously, I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with my filter. Anywho, I may or may not have mentioned to a certain witch that you had been dating Tara before she left you for the immortal.(Who again is overrated.) I seriously didn't mean to- I was caught off guard... She made some comment about the way I was talking it made sense you were defensive about your children, and I about gagged, and started trying to explain who you were...and oops. So I'm sorry.

Just remember you don't hit women....

And even if you did after reading that I think you'd agree I'm to pathetic to hit.

//Unlock//

not_a_lie @ 2006-01-11T20:10:00

2006-01-12T01:12:24Z

//Text message to Lindsey only//

I think I heard Angelus. Or possibly the janitor. Stop talking to nurses and get back here. My whole plan of keeping these children safe ~~hinges on using you as a human shield.~~ requires you to be be here to protect me. Yeah.

Wes hasn't responded to my email... I'm choosing to guess Cordelia cut him off the computer, cause I know we've had our rough patches, but I refuse to believe there's only one adult person I have left to talk to.

Seriously, I may be being paranoid, but there's noises outside the room. Evil soulless vampire noises. If you take this opportunity to run to the car and ditch me there will be consequences.

Also the nurse looked at me funny when I said I couldn't put down the computer or an evil vampire would eat my babies. I think she has issues.

//End message//

Email To Wes

2006-01-11T21:48:27Z

to:watcher_pryce@livejournal.com
from:not_a_lie@livejournal.com

Lindsey's taking his good time around the hospital. I think he's worried and doesn't want to show it. And there's a nurse giving me looks. They turned the blood pressure alarm off again.

More than a little worried about Angelus who as you know was harassing Alicia, and I told him to stop, as if that'd help, so now he's going around calling me Slutlah, which you also know, and threatening me and the children. Who by the way should be developing their second set of kidneys this week. That's a very human thing, in case you were wondering. Children develop 3 sets before birth. Changing sizes and all. Anyway Faith's tightened security, and Lindsey's here somewhere. But that doesn't seem to have put Angelus off and I still needed someone to talk to because between this and everything... And while I respect that you're hiding no one else in this town will socialize.

Wes, I didn't mean to offend you the past few weeks. I'm just...sorry? According to the doctors the first trimester not only makes you feel the worst, it also increases emotional outbursts. So I have a doctor's note. Anyway I know you don't think you're the father and I understand why, but there's a serious lack of options unless it's something else, in which case I'm led to think it'd still need some human interaction to come into play, but um there's this thing with the children to make sure they're not getting... dying. A shot. In case our blood isn't compatible. And humor me, if only to be safe, I was wondering if maybe you'd tell me your blood type? Just in case. I'd rather not do the shot if I didn't have to with the risks and all. I don't want to lose my babies Wes. And I really miss when you used to fight with me over my or our...

Stay safe and keep the girls safe. Sorry to unload on you. At least you're getting the edited version. Poor Lindsey's practically a Procol Harem song with the shades of white he's been going lately. I feel bad, but I'm kind of am glad he's here.

Also just so you know I contemplated locking my journal earlier, but figured seeing as she hates me, that Alicia wouldn't be dropping me a line any time soon.

I'm gonna go now, but I'll be on tonight, so if maybe you could find the time to shoot an email my way, say that you're okay, and maybe less mad at me...that'd be nice.

Love you,

Lilah

Um again, sorry. Probably shouldn't send this. Oh well.

//unlocked//

not_a_lie @ 2006-01-11T14:02:00

2006-01-11T19:20:01Z

Because I'm realizing that powder's going to run out in a few days and I'd prefer to avoid thinking about any impending badness that may be coming into play.

Love and Sex With Your Friends by dannygrl0129
Username
Sex
Favorite Color
Love of your life:	watcher_pryce
Best sex of your life:	rogue_lawyer
Will make you come 1000 times:	destructo_gal
Will break your heart:	a_true_hero
Best Kisser:	teh_nibblet
Best cuddler:	cleverlittlecow
You secretly dream of:	singtodarkness
But this person dreams of you:	prodigal_slayer
Will handcuff you and screw you silly:	devil_youknow

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Love and Sex With Your Friends by dannygrl0129
Username
Sex
Favorite Color
Love of your life:	devil_youknow
Best sex of your life:	_faceofanangel_
Will make you come 1000 times:	cleverlittlecow
Will break your heart:	_r_giles_
Best Kisser:	prodigal_slayer
Best cuddler:	_connor
You secretly dream of:	im_method
But this person dreams of you:	destructo_gal
Will handcuff you and screw you silly:	__visiongal

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Well as if I wasn't disturbed before. Just so we're clear on this...no, Lindsey I don't want to sleep with you. Although they say in the second trimester that sort of thing takes on even greater importance, you know once the morning sickness and evilness subsides. So you may want to go back to your plan of fixing my love life or things could get ugly. No comment on Buffy. I'm really not all that attached to Doyle, although his relationship with Cordelia could positively or negatively effect me. I did not kiss Dawn. And this is not like the Clinton thing. I really didn't. Faith says so and I'll take her word. Drusilla, yes I do. You would too if you were locked in a wine cellar with her while she killed everyone else while telling you that your daily moisturizing regimen would make you go down easier. And I didn't mean that to sound disturbing in that way...Not sure if Faith dreams about me, I know Lindsey fantasizes about the possible girl on girl action involving the two of us though, does that count? I'm not really sure about the last one...

I'm not even going into green. I like money, yes. But honestly not that much...

Supposed to be resting. Resting gets old, fast.

2006-01-10T06:38:10Z

//Locked to adult people who won't judge...much. I guess Linds, Wes, Faith//

The sedative they gave me last night worked, more or less, and even though I still didn't manage a full night's sleep I feel okay. As of yet no negative effects on the twins, who, and I know it's just because they're so young, really don't look that much like humans yet. Maybe Wes is right. But the doctor assures me they're doing well and look normal for seven weeks, and the scarring, and other complications haven't come into play yet. As least not on the children. I'm another story. Apparently, I'm going to need to eat more. Which is fine. I can do that as long as I take my 'medicine'. And as long as I have less stress. There's still possible badness, especially up until week 10, but most of that is due to my screwed up medical history and the fact with multiples... I think I'm mostly being kept as a precaution because of how sick and restless I've been. I'm sure the pregnancy going fine. Pretty sure. I hope. The stabbing pains don't mean anything, right? Probably not.

That still leaves me with a boat load of issues. Also maybe if somebody could offhandedly find out what Wes' blood type is? I know he says they aren't his. I'm trying to see the upside in that, and failing... I know we'll never be together. At least not as long as it's something I want. That's not how we work, how we've ever worked. I know that. But still ... I probably shouldn't feel this hurt. Then again, history has proved if anyone can turn me into a sentimental, emotional wreck of a woman, Wes can. Not that it's a bad thing. Just a change for me. Emotions, real ones, not exactly what I'm known for.

Plus, anyone know if he's okay? I won't get in the way of his life. I just would make me feel better.

Back to the boat load of issues though, lets ignore them shall we? Must try to eat.

Also Savannah? Lindsey could you check with Buffy, make sure she's...okay?

Oh, and Alicia and Marilee, someone say hi for me. I know, Alicia...just do it. Please?

//Unlocked//

P.S. Linds,...thanks for staying. We'll talk some more soon, okay? Maybe next time about you? Good Lindsey. Excuse drowsy Lilah.

not_a_lie @ 2006-01-06T22:45:00

2006-01-07T03:47:42Z

//Text Message to, everyone//

Hopefully somebody will...

Wes might be about to do something stupid.

Like dangerous, worse, stupid...

Also Lindsey I think I need the doctors. Get back in here.

//End Message//

not_a_lie @ 2006-01-06T20:38:00

2006-01-07T01:41:55Z

//Locked to Wes//

I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, because you'll probably just have some snappy retort and say I'm a desperate woman, and yes, that's true. But in this case it's besides the point. Also I'd call but me speaking at the moment seems to make people a uncomfortable. So I'll spare you.

I happened to come upon some information I thought you might like to hear. Yesterday, the day Cordelia took you into the hospital. Someone from the firm was here. Not you, not me, not Lindsey. They signed the visitors list as Wolfram and Hart. Which implies it was someone who views themselves as an agent of the firm. Not even Lindsey or I do that, without leaving a name, at least not usually. I pulled a few strings and it seems the same mystery Wolfram and Hart showed up at every hospital in the city.

You might not be getting where I'm headed so I'll just say it. Those of us who work for the firm, well we're not above tampering with medical information, blood tests, pretty much any kind of medical test you can think up to manipulate a situation to our liking. Here's the part where I apologize. For any role I played in the whole Connor situation...

The thing is I have a hunch they weren't just visiting sick children. It's more probable they we're tampering with something relating to one of us. An ultrasound is somewhat tamper-proof especially with an obnoxious little southern man asking to see the babies, over, and over, and over. And with the other things I know...I'm gonna have to say it wasn't me. That doesn't mean it wasn't meant to effect me.

I think these children are yours Wes, and that test, probably wrong.

I have enemies. And a list of motives...( I'll admit I'm a bad person and can think of a lot of justifiable reasons to mess with people's lives.)

Anyway I'm not asking you to do anything, or for anything. I just thought you should know. You don't have to believe me. I don't really care. For me this only proves what I said before. So there's how it stands.

Also wanted to say sorry. Can that just be an all encompassing sorry? And I love you, even though I know you don't get it or want me to, or something. Oh, please tell the girls hi. I know at least one of them hates me fervently. But I still kind of like them. I think I'm gonna hit the gift shop up for toys and maybe have Lindsey drop some by. And if they ever release me, well after the kids are born if you want they can visit you. They are yours Wes. Trust me. Between Lindsey and I think we've run every plausible scenario known to man. There's not really another option.

//Unlock//

not_a_lie @ 2006-01-06T09:12:00

2006-01-06T14:20:22Z

//Locked//

What does it feel like when your world is crashing down? Well I really couldn't say, as I'm pumped up on mystical drugs. I'm dying, I rambling. The guy I'm some what stupidly in love would rather not see me. The thing is these have to be Wes' children. I refuse to believe after four pregnancies, the on that would stick is...I'd really rather not think about it. They're not releasing me, apparently because despite the fact I'm masking most symptoms, though not very well, with this powder, they're afraid I could bleed out, and yes... die. I gave Lindsey the abridged version, we were planning to talk last night but with health I was more content to just lay there. Lindsey stayed with me though. I feel guilty because he has his own problems. But on the other hand, I know we've has our differences, Not my first choice but someone predictable given the nature of our relationship but it really feels like the only person in the whole world who' there for me right now is Lindsey. Not my first choice but somewhat predictable given the nature of my relationship with Wes. I told him he go home, or preferably to my place, and take a shower or get some decent coffee, so he stepped out for a bit. But he promised to come back. And I believe it.

Unfortunately that means I missed my flight. Of course it's probable, that it may be a while.

Life sucks. Kept soup down.

//Unlocked//

One of the nurses suggest music therapy. Which is nice more or less, supposedley it helps further development for the babies too. No comment.

not_a_lie @ 2006-01-05T08:50:00

2006-01-05T13:51:50Z

So what do I get after a night of vomiting my guts, and some blood out. Well luckily I was able to get my hands back on some medicine. So for the time being I look pretty good. Hopefully good enough for the doctor to release me and let me live out the rest of my life in a another country.

But I go online, and Lindsey's telling everyone I'm psychotic over here. The only warfare I've waged is verbal and half the time I'm saying nice things. Even about Cordelia, who is also trashing me in her lj. Who for the record I did not refuse sedatives, I took them unfortunately they only work my health throw me into blacking out. Also they were non-narcotic. You can't give hardcore drugs to pregnant women. The reason, that for years, there was drug free childbirth.

And Wes... Lindsey, can I have a Lilah's right. He's whining over twins.

And no I didn't want him here, for this very reason.

And Cordelia and Wes can go get married and honeymoon on some nice beach that's home to volcanic eruption. I was willing to put everything aside and talk to her only I wasn't able to at the time. And him, let's make this entirely clear I don't want much of anything Wes. But common decency dictates...Well even Angel went to the hospital when Darla was pregnant. Doesn't matter if you hate someone or the pregnancy is the biggest inconvenience to you. My God, when Cordelia was pregnant a teenager took time to watch out for her. You know so she could control that lovely beast and then off me. (But I'm the one that's out of control when she's pregnant?)

I have Lindsey, a man who's made bets about my death several times in past years. Oddly enough you can't even make a visit.

Even the medicine's not helping now. I'm hyperventilating again.